Hearing their need, not their words
Our children don’t always have the language or emotional awareness to tell us how they feel. That means difficult emotions like embarrassment, disappointment, or loneliness can get misplaced, misinterpreted, and misdirected toward the people they trust most.
Here’s a list of some common phrases you may have heard from your child, and their potential underlying meaning. Do any of these sound familiar for your child?
- “I can’t!” (I’m scared)
- “This is stupid!” (This is hard)
- “I can do it myself!” (I need to feel successful)
- “I don’t care!” (I’m overwhelmed)
- “This isn’t fair!” (This isn’t what I expected)
- “I hate you!” (I’m unhappy with myself right now, I don’t know how to handle that, and you’re the person I feel most safe sharing my emotions with)
Untangling the hidden meaning behind statements like these can be hard, especially because these moments are usually pretty emotionally charged. Help your child get to the root of what they’re feeling by pausing, maintaining your own calm, and validating the emotion they may be feeling under the surface.
For example:
- If “I can’t!” means “I’m scared,” meet your child where they’re at with phrases like, “I know, this is a new experience for you,” or “It sounds like you’re worried about this.”
- If “This is stupid!” means “This is hard,” align with them by saying, “These really are some tricky problems,” or “It sounds like this is really hard.”
- If “I can do it myself!” means “I need to feel successful,” help your child feel successful by supporting their independence and being there for backup if they need.
- If “I don’t care!” means “I’m overwhelmed,” support them emotionally with phrases like, “Maybe this is all too much right now,” or, “It sounds like this isn’t the right time for this. We can talk about it later.”
- If “This isn’t fair!” means “This isn’t what I expected,” open up the conversation with, “It sounds like you were hoping this would play out differently,” or “It sounds like you were expecting something different to happen.”
- If “I hate you!” means “I’m unhappy with myself right now,” sit with that, don’t react, and don’t retreat. They need love and support and validation from you so much in that moment.
For more strategies, or activities to help your child build emotional awareness through play, sign up for our newsletter below.
